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My Goal

“Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.”

-Marcus Aurelius

The older I get the more I want to write. I am less afraid to be wrong. So this is me embracing the love of writing I feel in its purest form. So here’s to my first post, and getting started instead of waiting to be a better writer I will just grow with my mistakes. I’m not here to waste time being perfect, I am here to enjoy the process. I have started stories in the past, and I have more to express. I will most likely throw writing on here that’s random. I just don’t want to set any goal other than to write. I like writing stories, so if you check out my blog expect a lot of random short stories, and pieces of larger ideas. If you come by and read a couple thanks for stopping by.

Customize!

Your passions can be influenced but this is about when your passions influence you. We all have things we like. Like to see, like to feel, like to taste, and like hear. Its too easy to hide those likes in a more guarded place, and put on a mask to fit societies norms. Try to remember those norms we see are an accepted mix of likes. There are things you can do that harm no one, and encourage new norms. You wear a white shirt to work but love the color blue. Find ways to bring that color in, it feels good to set little things to your own preferences. Customize as much as you can to your passions. Surround yourself with what you want and beautify your world. I watched a lot of Casey Neistat on his YouTube channel and absolutely love his way of just hammering things out to fit his own style. I have preferences and would watch him spray paint new shades and mess them up to fit him. Inspiring to see that and a breath of fresh air. It would remind me that I still had a way to go to open up to what I liked even the small things could be adjusted cosmetic and simple, but still amazing. Just let that little bit of you slip out. I love to see different tastes in different items or clothes. Silly but even blog writing is a form of customizing and sharing your ideas.

Becoming A Passenger

For years I’ve driven my kids, but at some point they become the driver. The transition is a little jarring. You remind yourself constantly that you’ve prepped them the best you can. But at some point you have to let them take the wheel and become the passenger. Then with a little more time they drive themselves and find their own path. Every path they take will make you wince and contort from years of guiding them safely down the road of life. You want to step in every time there’s a road block or bad weather in their life. As parents I feel like the goal is to show them the road to be on, not the destination, and we can’t show them the directions to it. We must know that they know that roads location when they are ready. Life is full of trials and experiences from fun to down right horrible, but with enough help early on traveling the right road can be easier to find. My oldest is hitting eighteen today I hope with all my heart that path finds him, and he finds the courage to be the amazing man he’s becoming and use his compass we’ve taught him to use. I know I can’t force him to our road it took us years to find it ourselves. Each path is personal, different, and an exceptional gift just like he is. So instead of getting scared I’m going focus on the wonder of what road he will travel on. May your adventure be fulfilling and know we love you with all our heart. Happy eighteenth birthday Hunter, and thank you for being so incredible. You truly have made our path a sweeter more amazing one. No matter what you find on your way broke, rich, kids early, kids late, or no kids we are so proud of you.

First Love

What a memory, middle of senior year watching a car roll into place for sale as I drove to school. Paint, chrome, and glass reflecting all the light it could after a wash. Sunfire gold metallic, with green vinyl interior. Seriously this rolling street art made by a company I had a fever for at the time. A little Mopar infatuation if you will. Had me stop my little car right in the street. I just stared at it, and knew I wanted it more than anything. It was so aero dynamic, and clean. I pulled my car over to chat the owner up. I didn’t care that I didn’t have the money I would find the money. I started talking the guys ear off about all the information I knew but when he opened the door to my dream it was quite different than I expected. I have a habit of falling for the unwanted diamonds, and this was going be my third Mopar by the age eighteen. I sat down in the seat feeling it not sink down like most of these old muscle machines and even though it had a column mounted shifter it had a clutch pedal. I looked at the guy with kind of a shocked look. He laughed and explained a three on the tree, the fact it had a slant six, and a ridiculously large gas tank. It was a poor mans build sheet but that’s why it was still in great shape. After a short talk, and promises I didn’t know I could keep I raced to school plotting my ownership. I just happened to be hitting that moment where graduation gift ideas were floating around my families heads. After excited face, and not shutting up about the car my grandmother sent a check for a thousand dollars. In tradition it should have been a canon camera. But instead it was a 1972 Plymouth Satellite coupe. What a car, so many memories, frustrations, and fun. It wasn’t super fast but it looked like it could eat anything on the road. It makes me feel super old knowing in 2000 you could buy a car like that for a grand. I sold the car along time ago, but wherever you are thank you for the memories, and thank you family for such amazing support and love. I cherish every moment I got to be that age with that wonderful car. You can’t replicate how special you feel. I try to keep that feeling in mind with my kids.

Baggage

Perspective and the cages we build or escape from.

The uneasy alliance of pain and empathy building is the high wire for emotional trauma or growth. No life is without the negative, or the positive its just seeing the positive and acknowledging the negative. When I head into choppy water I know to bring my ship about face. The waves that are coming head straight into them and they won’t capsize you.  I can’t always be ready, but tough times are about growth. Hopefully you don’t have too many bad times, and remember to breathe. Be proud to have survived so long to have these stories and know the danger signs up ahead that’s wisdom. Cherish it respect it, and never feel above the negative it will always be waiting around a blind corner. Don’t wade in the tide pools of grief for too long. Every day your being shaped by the world and your choice of reaction. Also watch out for spreading misery, trauma usually begets trauma. Maybe someone hurt you but that doesn’t give anyone the right to spread it. Recognize you can do a lot of harm, be a safe harbor for others. Building your empathy and not victim shaming is a powerful tool. Find ways to connect when you can, its easy to judge it’s easy to condemn it takes strength to grow above these reactions. Fight against the wall of doubt, and instead of feeling trapped, feel the anxiety as excitement. Life is full of wonder find that joy, and escape those self made prisons of baggage we are all trying to drop and grab onto happiness when you can.

Love

Love is a funny word, its definition is completely personal. Love can describe a new passion, and love can define a relationship that’s stood the test of time. My understanding of this phenomenon has changed through the years. It seems the more you give the more you deepen this meaning to yourself. When you find something or someone to dive into head first. That says a hell of a lot more about you than it does partner or project your connected too. When you let your guard down, open all your windows, and give without worrying about a return that’s the point you’ve hit love. It could take years to teach yourself to open up to people or passions, but its fucking worth it. Failure or heartbreak don’t matter, you are a human being with a limited life span. Understand people will hurt you, projects will suffer but those are all wins. You learn through failure not success, if you want to live don’t be afraid to hurt or look stupid. Open that heart up bring the world the gift of you! Don’t take the quiet easy path follow that passionate voice in the back of your head. Be fearless be honest with your self. If your open, honest you are going to find that person who feels the same for you or let that creative passion set roots in your life. I found the key to my fearless love from my partner. When you’ve closed off your heart to everyone but your kids you start to shrink inside. When I say she saved me I mean she truly did, and her open heart sowed seeds in mine at first kiss. Love takes patience, hard work, and risk. My definition expands every day we choose us. See love is also choice, choice to love each other everyday. I can honestly say I love her more everyday because everyday I learn how to love a little more. I have a passion for life now that I try to share with my kids, my hobbies, and most of all my favorite human. I cherish every moment because its not always beautiful but god damn this is my life, and I find every way I can to appreciate the majestic nature of the wins and the losses.

Tantalus X 12

Chapter 12

Icy Camaraderie

“That is just nasty!” Jack revolted by the food dumped on his tray after waiting in line for an hour at the kitchen to eat. He was starving but the soupy grey slop made his nose and stomach turn unnaturally. There was no cafeteria just frozen ground with a window for the kitchen to plop nasty on your tray. Most inmates just ate in there bunks. There were a whole group of long drafty cabins full of beds. He decided to get out of the wind and eat inside to. He had run into a couple of his friends here and bunked in a group with them. Henry, so far his closest bunk mate was already sitting down eating his meal slowly with a makeshift spoon. “Hey Henry mind if I sit with you?” “No man your always welcome to cool your heels here this is our bunk! How’s your cuisine today?” “Putrid, I can’t believe they call this food I know they wouldn’t eat it!!” “For sure, I know they locked me up a year ago for protesting but the only protesting going on any more is my stomach.” Jack laughed out loud, raising a couple heads from other bunk mates laughter was kind of a rare sound. “I still can’t figure out what this stuff is supposed to be?” “It’s moss soup, but the moss is from the north so it doesn’t get any color, and of course no added spices either Im not even sure if they actually cook it. Did you hear the news from Hayden?” Jack tightened up ready for the bad news of more captured martians he was hoping to all hope that Emily was safe it was keeping him sane right now. He didn’t know what he would do if she was captured. “No what’s the news?” “Its crazy cool there was an explosion that killed the Chief of swat and at least two full teams of swat!” “Were did this happen?” “Joe down in the northern cabin told me some old ship at the bone yard had its generator explode, supposedly it killed everyone the martians hiding and all of the officers isn’t that crazy, those cops deserved that shit!” Jacks eyes weld up he knew that ship it had to be the Kyoto Em must have hid in it and tried then killed herself when she tried to start the generator on that old relic. “Jack, Jack are you ok man your turning green.””No Im not ok I knew the martian they were after and I know the ship that exploded I used to work there at the bone yard it was my best friend Emily.” Jack couldn’t talk anymore he hung his head, and Henry understood his new friend was destroyed.

18 Foot Measuring stick

The biggest thing that bothers me about not owning a house by my age is not having a wall with all our kids height’s on the wall. I don’t blame the economy or society, I blame me. Its funny how much this bothers me. Its like having peanut butter stuck to the roof of your mouth the feeling lingers and it takes work to quell it. Such a simple thing, but with the high costs and jobs that never paid enough no matter how hard I worked. The concept of not having that little recording of their presence in my life bothers me. Maybe its because out of all my hard work I’m the proudest of them. I’ve watched these little people grow and they’ve taught me more about human worth, empathy, and sacrifice than I could have ever known without them. While my better half is the rope that keeps me tethered. My kids are the reason I can’t stomach violence against strangers. I see them in everyone, and I want them to have more than I ever had. The other day I was looking at old pictures on face book and was surprised to see a measuring stick I’d never thought of. Our old car Horton, a two ton baby blue Plymouth. A purchase a poor car guy had to make that didn’t make financial sense but turned out to be the best purchase I have ever made. The kids were raised in it, and for all its quirks they see it as a family member. Eight miles per gallon and two hundred thousand miles of memories. The car is not nearly as big to them as it used to be. From watching the fireworks on fourth of July across the hood to racing to the hospital when my mother in law was succumbing to cancer. It has captured every emotion in that interior and has released those memories through its old shiny paint. So many memories, so much more than a car it is my measuring stick. I can see my children’s faces in the seats rips and dented body work. I will never repaint it, and every worn corner I cherish. So I guess I didn’t miss out its just that our families measuring stick is 18 feet long and seven feet wide.

Tantalus X 11

Chapter 11

Space Faring

Vastness surpassed the limitations of Emily’s mind. The bridge looked so different in the untainted light coming through the main window wrapping around her. She felt disturbed by the openness of it all, nothing to hide behind. But it was an amazing sight, and the gravity plated floors gave a surreal feel to the sight outside. Lola had shown her how to set a trajectory, and now the Tantalus was making a B-line for Pluto. With no need to use the controls she was wondering the bridge looking at everything. The room was now powered up all gauges glowing from every console. It looked smooth, very well designed aesthetically pleasing to the eye. The white steel construction was made to reflect the neon blue of the monitors, and gauges. It just made her proud to be the captain of such an amazing ship, and it might have been old but it was stylish and it was lightning fast. This ship was designed to swoop in and swoop out of bad situations. The Challenger station didn’t even react to their presence as they blasted by at full speed.  Now they would only take two weeks to get to Pluto due to the cruising speed of the ship 13,888,888 mph and with 3 billion miles to go it would only take two weeks. In short bursts the Tantalus x could reach 14,000000mph but prolonged hot runs could blow out the coils in  engineering. With time now on Emily’s side Lola decided to teach the new captain all the ins and outs of the space flight. After a getting some sleep, Em took another relaxing shower, and put on another new uniform. Lars had found three full uniforms which he explained was the standard allotment to any crew member on the Tantalus. She took her time after the shower putting her new clothes away in the dressers under her new bed, and accustomed her self to her new home. Lola spoke up as soon as she came out of her room. “Good morning Captain Phoenix, I have had Lars meet us on the bridge so we could tour the whole ship and get you accounted with the layout. “ Emily was excited she felt pride and couldn’t wait to see the whole ship, the parts she had seen were amazing and then her stomach growled loudly. “Can we start in the cafeteria I haven’t eaten for a while.” Lars spoke up, “Lets head there first its important that all Colonial officers get three round meals everyday that’s protocol!.” “Well we shouldn’t go against protocol lead the way!” Em ushered her hand forward. The robot led her down the closest lift to level six. They turned towards the front of the ship and headed past where the bridge would have been on the deck above. Up ahead was a large door but not a bulkhead just a big automatic slider with two pieces as she got up to it it opened and she got to see the big empty cafeteria. The bridge was a circular bump rising up above the oval shaped on its left side, and this cafeteria was part of that round design. It had a larger circular semi circle shape to the floor the wall was curved with the outer bubble shape with small port windows every ten feet. It felt open like the bridge. Long tables filled the middle of the room with small private booths surrounding on the outer walls. The kitchen rested in the same place her room was on the upper deck. She walked past the tables and around the counters that used to hold meals and trays for crew. She pushed past the swinging entry doors to the kitchen and found the pantry in the back. It was fully stocked with military rations and plastic trays of instant meals. Even large gallon drums of flour, butter, sugar, and salt took up the large pantry. “Emily as you can see every Lamia ship was fitted with enough emergency rations to last an entire crew four years in space in case of mission requirements or emergency engine failure. All this food has a shelf life good until 2540AD.” Lars motioned Em out of the kitchen. “I will make your meal it’s one of my programed skills, go pick a seat I’ll have it ready in about eleven minutes and twenty three seconds.” Back out in the cafeteria the creepiness of being in an abandoned ship started to dawn on her. She went and laid her back up against the wall in a booth on the far side of the room. This ship was huge, huge and empty, it made her feel better when Lola spoke up over the comm system again. She was starting to become very grateful to her new robot friends. “Hi Captain I have compiled a list of training modules and sent them to your room computer for observation after the tour. I believe they will get you more acquainted with your new role onboard with us. Plus I know how excited you where about that little piece of history we had gone over so I through in Colonial History and the what was left of my data banks before the wipe.” “The wipe, what do you mean?” “When the war ended and before I was taken by the Terran army the Colonial military erased most of my data banks, so nothing important was given to the enemy. Since I have no memory with out my banks I have no clue where any hidden ca shays are hidden in the solar system, like weapons ammunition, parts ect.. If the Spartan fours data banks are still in working order I could update my systems and have all the locations not given away after the war.” “Wow I didn’t even think about that that our old military would have had hidden locations I hope those data modules are still intact!” “Me too.” Lars rolled out and over to Em with a tray of steaming food. As he slid it in front of her she could smell it, and it smelled amazing! She had never had anything without Moss in it. “What is this? “ As she put a piece in her mouth from the dark rough hunk in front of her. “Its meat loaf and the white is potatoes, the yellow is corn and the item on the side is peach cobbler.” Em had food hanging out of her mouth as she exclaimed how awesome the food was.

Move

I believe everyone has a way they move, like a dance. A rhythm built in you find in a mundane task or something fantastic. Art, music, and creation of any kind. It grabs you where you are and can happily simplify your internal compass. We all have wants, needs, and somehow this slides in tight between the two. Movement with sound hits me deep between the wheel, and seat of a car. My tastes change, so does the car I drive but the feeling of expression is always there whispering to me. A mix of g forces with explosions controlled through a gear lever. What an unusual thing to feel shared by so many. Take away the groups for image, peel away the machismo and let the purity take over. It could be four hundred horsepower or ten if it guides you to that place seize it. To me finding that line dipping in and out of corners surrounded by the natural beauty of the world frozen in time by speed is how I move. I hope in this world you all find your dance, cause this is mine, and it reminds me when I forget. Life is such a gift.

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